June Cleaver Doesn't Exist

Sometimes it is hard to know where to start.

First off I am so grateful to be able to stay home with my children. I love that I can do it and I am fine making the sacrifices that we need to make to live off of one income. This is not a post about self-pity, poor me, or anything ridiculous like that. I just want to be upfront, honest, and hopefully others will relate.

I am a Stay at Home Mom, crafter, occasional freelance writer, but mainly a momma. I have also battled severe depression for the past 21 years.

I have been on and off medication since I was fifteen and am currently taking 50mg of Zoloft a day. I decided to go off my medication about six months ago and honestly, it was a miserable failure. Without medication I was a mess, I couldn't stop crying, and frankly barely wanted to get out of bed. I went back on my medication two weeks ago and things are drastically better.

Sometimes its just hard, being a mom, being happy, cleaning, cutting coupons, and feeling like the world is going along swimmingly.

I have these fears that seem to linger. Fears that stem from my decision to quit my job and stay home. Questions like, what the heck am I going to do when the kids go back to school? Do I have any marketable skills left? Is the world passing me by?

You watch your working friends advance their careers while you are changing diapers. I do feel jealous at time. I want that human conversation that goes beyond the latest episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

My children are my world, but because of this my relationships with friends that don't have children are suffering. My relationships with my friends that do have kids should be strengthening, but for some reason children nowadays have these mad schedules and I can never seem to make time between "activities" to get together. Even though I am always on the go I am lonely.

I question myself, am I a good enough parent, then I have to bake for a bake-sale and life goes on. The fears and loneliness slip into the background and everything is fine. I go on.

How much of the loneliness is the depression, and how much is just life? I don't think anyone has it easy, regardless of whether they have depression or are perfectly balanced. Sure having to take a medication that makes you forget the names of words you should know sucks, but at least I am getting out of bed and actively participating in my kids lives.

I don't think anything I am thinking or feeling anything the rest of the stay at home moms I know don't feel at one time or another. I think a lot of working moms feel the same way. We look so happy and together on the outside, but have these doubts and insecurities on the inside just waiting till we are alone to rear their ugly heads. We just hide so much from our friends for fear of being judged, or thought to be a little off, and that is probably why we feel so alone at times.

The big thing we need to remember is that we are not alone. We need to let people know that we are struggling and that we are not the perfect little June Cleaver's of yesterday, and chances are she was so hopped up on Valium anyway.

That is why I wanted to let everyone know a little about my life. In part to make me more of a real person, but in part because I know that other people out there feel the same way, have the same problems, and feel so darn alone when they really don't have to.

Thanks for listening,